ex-smoker

As a kid, just a little tot, I remember walking alongside the big old pram. We lived then on the main industrial route, and I clearly remember the smell and choking feeling of the fumes from the trucks constantly going by. Later we moved to a new house but not far from that main road, built up area and pretty dismal. I remember a central and long established local feature was a massive billboard on the corner, advertising menthol cigarettes; the tag line, ‘clear as a mountain stream’ as I remember. The scene featured a wide open green vista, with mountains in the distance. The central figure was a fairly fit looking young man, rancher type, picture of health and of course very good looking. This clearly made a big impression on me living in this grey and polluted corner of the world, as a few years later when I gave in to peer pressure to fit in and started smoking, this particular brand was my first choice, cool menthol a ‘soft’ way in. My health has been devastated, lungs are knackered. Nowadays with the effort of standing up i need to sit down again. Yes I know it was my choice, self-inflicted and all that. Although I can remember always being very breathless as a child, and I believe I should have been diagnosed as being asthmatic back then. To me that fight for breath was just normal, and I learned to manage it by avoiding physical exertions and activities, or getting upset say. I literally switched off emotionally. Early on I found a cigarette gave limited relief perhaps by helping to calm the spasms associated with asthma.
Suitable treatment maybe would have made a difference on my own choices. And not making excuses but smoking was the norm back then. It was also recommended for stress, and I have had more than my fair share of that I have to say. Whatever, it was my drug of choice along with my books, and all things considered I guess I could easily have made worse life choices. However, I live with the consequences. I am angry with myself, frustrated with the many things I want to be able to do but can’t. Heavy duty inhalers now keep my lungs functioning, along with physio exercises. At times I need supplementary oxygen and believe me it’s no fun dragging your own oxygen about with you. I am certain air pollution is also a significant irritant. Currently I live very near a major airport and a major motorway. These last months of lockdown and travel restrictions have brought great relief to me, a noticeable improvement in air quality. Something our kids can be grateful for since we seem to have screwed up everything else for them. Well, I hope this has not been too much of a drag for everyone, you know what they say about us ex-smokers..